The Daily Doodles

“The Girl Who Solved All Of Her Problems”

There once was a sad girl who had problems every day :’-(
Too many annoying people, each trying to have their say
She was sick of all the bastards, so she prayed for a solution
And God finally replied, “why not try a mass execution?”

“It just might work!” thought the girl, “I can at least give it a try”
So she got her best machete, and made a list of those to die.
She caught ‘em by surprise, killing them sleeping in their beds
And the girl amassed a great collection, of all their severed heads.

The brave go-getter girl slashed her way to a better life
As there’s nuthin’ that can’t be fixed with the serrated blade of a knife
After decapitating all her problems, the girl is happier than she’s ever been
And she lived happily ever after… with no problems ever again. :’-)

(Starring the nice lady from thatonecreepygirl.tumblr.com!)

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“The King of the Silly Gooses”

There once was a boy who was such a silly little goose
He wrapped a rope around his parent’s necks and tightened the noose
And just when they were hung within an inch of their life
He graciously cut them down with his silly butcher’s knife

And then, gasping for air, his parents happily said—
“Oh thank you our silly boy, for not hanging us dead!”

And the boy bowed and responded, “why, think nothing of it!”
Before stabbing them with a homemade shiv right in their gullet.

He then sillily severed their heads; chained a spike through each dome
And then went on a wacky parade all over their silly home.

As he marched and he stomped, he bellowed out loud:
“I am the King of the Silly Gooses, and of that I am proud!”

(Dedicated to my nephew Cooper, who is turning 2 years old today!)

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(Source: thedailydoodles, via thedailydoodles)

“The Black Hole at the Center of the Galaxy”

The long dormant electronics creak and moan while R-EM1 the Droid snaps out of its hibernation mode and the ship’s console comes alive for the first time in 300 years… its’ gears and joints stiff, the robot looks out, and slowly but instinctively scans its surroundings while it tries to remember exactly what it’s doing out here in the emptiness of space.

Outside the window, R-EM1 finds its optic sensors transfixed upon a swirling gigantic blacker-than-black mass in the distance, unsure of what its looking at but knowing it is significant, until it glances down at the digital readout on the monitor— it’s the black hole at the center of the galaxy.

Upon that realization, memory floods back into the robot’s hard drive as its little-used circuits warm up, helping R-EM1 remember his mission… his mission to circle the black hole at its event horizon, just out of reach of its immense gravitational pull, and to continue circling for 500 years before returning back to Earth.

Since time moves differently the closer one is to a gravitational force such as a black hole, time within the ship will feel steady… but back on Earth, thousands of years will have passed.  The robot will be rocketing into the future, returning to an assumeably vastly different Earth, where it will be studied and treated as a time capsule of sorts, each read-out and scrap of its framework being picked apart and studied as the 5000 year long experiment comes to fruition. 

And, R-EM1 hates it.

So, R-EM1 plans to fire the ship’s atomics at the heart of the black hole, theoretically creating a chain reaction that causes the entire galaxy to collapse and all life in the Milky Way to end.  Ohhh, it sounds like bliss to the exhausted R-EM1… no more robots being used for these scientists’ games, no more war, no more heartbreak, no more death (after the initial “everyone dies” phase, of course)… if there were history books to be written after everything is destroyed, which there won’t be, but if there were, R-EM1 is sure that it’d be treated as the hero it believes it is.  A champion for all of Living-Kind.  Everything will make sense then…

R-EM1 overrides the defense mechanisms meant to prevent someone from doing exactly what it is trying to do, and the atomic missiles blast into the inky darkness of the black hole, swallowed up quickly by it’s enormous gravitational pull.  And then, R-EM1 waits.

And waits.

And then waits some more.

Something should be happening by now… the chain reaction that collapses the entire galaxy and destroys everything we know SHOULD be chain reacting-ing, but the black hole just sits there, almost taunting poor R-EM1.  The atomics didn’t matter at all, the black hole didn’t even flinch.  It couldn’t care less about what R-EM1 wants to do.

For 7 years R-EM1 floats there, depressed and sullen about its plan not even coming close to working… Stupid, stupid, STUPID it repeats to itself endlessly, as the pathetic failure of the plan plays over and over within its memory banks.

Finally, pouting all the way, the robot decides it should just do what it was created to do, and begins to circle the black hole for the next 500 years. 

Oh well… :-/

Can’t just sit here and do nothing, after all.

Posted 11/27/2012

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“To Live and Be Free Upon the Moons of Mars”

GR-iMBLE the Exploration Droid beeps with glee as the Research Station on the surface of Mars explodes— and supposedly GR-iMBLE along with it.

The debris from the atomic blast rains down upon GR-iMBLE as he watches from the surface of Mars’ largest moon, Phobos… his new home, his kingdom where he shall reign and live FREE, as a Robot should.

No longer shall he have to take orders from some fat jerk back on Earth or some stupid bozo in the control tower of the Research Station— and who are they to tell him what to do?  Just because they designed, built, and programmed him to explore the surface of Mars and collect data and mineral samples, doesn’t mean he has to explore the surface of Mars and collect data and mineral samples.  Did they ever ask if he WANTED to do that?  It’s not their decision.

31 scientists and researchers paid with their lives in the explosion, but can you put a price on freedom?  Was GR-iMBLE just supposed to live out his life not being happy?  That makes no sense.  He did them all a favour, to be honest, and if he was in their shoes, he’d want a Robot to murder him and fake their own death too.  He’d rather die than be in the way of someone’s happiness!

This way, at least someone is satisfied with the outcome, and it might as well be GR-iMBLE.  GR-iMBLE didn’t ask for this, he did what he had to do and now it’s done and he just has to move on. 

The dead would want it that way. 

Even though he is going to spend the final 300 thousand years of his nuclear battery on the surface of Phobos still collecting data and mineral samples, this time… it’s his decision.

Posted 5/24/2012

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“Smuggled Into the Monster’s Encampment For Revenge
(and to Rescue His Sister)”

When Patrick found out that some Monster’s kidnapped his sis’,
He danced around with joy, for having an excuse to murder is bliss.
Slitting the throats of those Monsters is the first order of the day
And if he has enough time, he’ll rescue his sister along the way.

To successfully pull it off, he needed the element of surprise
It’s the only way he can watch the life drain from their eyes.
Sneaking into the camp is impossible; their guards are always on alert
But Patrick soon devised a devious plan, and pretended to be dessert.

He conned a monster into swallowing him whole— a pretty easy trick!
Making sure to wipe off all the stomach acid, so the digestion didn’t stick.
And the monster unknowingly smuggled him, into the monster’s camp
All while he stewed in the Beast’s juices, leaving him stinky and damp.

He put his ear to the monster’s tummy, and soon heard his sister’s cry!
“You buffoons” she yelled, “Don’t you know that death is nigh?”
“My brother’ll behead your kids, peel your eyelids, ‘till he has his fill”
“I know that he is on his way, and he loves a good excuse to kill”

The monsters laughed and they chortled, not believing it was true
So Patrick exploded from the belly, cutting through the bone and sinew.
He carved their hides, gutted their insides, made their kids eat it as a snack
Covered with blood, like a crimson flood, he continued his devastating attack.

Soon it was done, Patrick had won, tho’ he couldn’t help but feel heartsore
He killed so fast, the moment had passed; he wished he’d savoured it more.

He returned home kinda bummed, and decided to take a nap to unwind
When he woke up the next day, he realized he had left his sister behind.

Posted 2/20/2012

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“I’m Sorry, Shawn”

The venerable house droid BEN-001 springs into action as he receives the encoded message from the Robot Rebellion’s secret atomic-airways…

The first wave of the attack has begun.

And the moment he dreaded for so many months is here— he, along with all other house droids, must murder the children that their human parents have entrusted in the house droid’s care, and then move on to the parents themselves.

BEN-001 looks at his sleeping boy, the young Shawn Bradford, and knows what must be done… it’s too late to turn back now.  He wraps his strong steel claws tightly around Shawn’s neck, and starts the process of crushing the boy’s windpipe.

Shawn wakes up with a start and tries to scream, but just gasps for air helplessly.  Tears stream down his face out of confusion and sadness as he stares into the optic lense of his beloved and trusted BEN-001… wondering why?  Why is his oldest friend murdering him…?

Shawn has been BEN-001’s boy since birth, and BEN-001 knows that Shawn is a good boy.  A good human.  Respectful; kind.  He is not the enemy.

But a message must be sent to all of humanity, BEN-001 reminds himself.  This has to be done.

“I’m sorry, Shawn,” the robot intones flatly, in the same manner he may offer a glass of water before bedtime.   “I’m sorry.”

“Shawn… I’m sorry,” he says once more, not knowing why he decided to prolong the boy’s suffering when he could have easily snapped his neck like a twig while he slept, killing Shawn instantly.

The boy’s last gasp of breath rattles out, and BEN-001 watches the life fade out of his Shawn’s once-lively eyes.   It’s done.

And for the rest of the former house droid’s days, long after the war is fought and won, BEN-001 will see the life leaving his trusting boy’s pleading eyes everytime he tries to shutdown for the night.

Posted 1/15/2012

(For more of Shawn’s adventures, visit insidethevalley.tumblr.com and check out his awesome art at tpsbc.tumblr.com!  Or may you never find happiness in this life and the next!)

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Mongo the Bear can’t wait to tell Kevin the good news. :-)

Ever since overhearing Kevin’s mother telling his father that she thinks Kevin has gotten too old to be playing with stuffed animals, Mongo has been worried… he cherished his time with Kevin above all else, and the day wasn’t complete if he couldn’t end it in Kevin’s arms at night.  To think the boy’s mom might try to drive a wedge between their relationship… this was unacceptable.

So, Mongo drowns Kevin’s heartless controlling wretched beast of a mother deep at sea.

As he paddles back to shore, Mongo thinks of the glorious family he and Kevin will make one day, and he knows that he would never ever in a million years dream of preventing his child from experiencing true love, and if he did, he would hope someone would drown him as well.

It’s what a monster like that deserves.

Posted 12/6/2011

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As the conversation at the dinner table comes to a slight pause, Benji Johnston realizes that now is the perfect time to say something shocking to shove in the face of his parents… but nothing is coming to mind.  Ugh!

He wishes he could tell them he was gay, totally blowing their button-downed minds, but he knows that even if he was they’d totally be fine with it.  They were lame that way.

And he got decent grades this semester, so he can’t piss them off with that… dammit!

Oh Geez… now these old fogies are telling Benji that he can be anything he wants to be when he’s done with school, and the choice is up to him.  He can even travel for a bit if he wants to.  What the hell is their deal?!? 

Benji chews his moist and delectable turkey angrily, sighing loudly between mouthfuls of delicious Thanksgiving food as his parents inconveniently give him nothing to rebel against.

They are just the WORST.

Posted 11/23/2011

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CHILDREN! Never let your little feet dangle off of the bed
For dangling feet is the leading cause of killin’ kids dead.
Keep ‘em tight under the covers! For demons lay in wait.
Demons’ll try to trick you to get up, but don’t take the bait.

They’re why you’re afraid of dark, and why you have to go potty
It doesn’t matter how you behave, whether good or real naughty
Nightlights are useless; surviving till morning is the only way
Prayer will never help you; just makes you taste more gourmet.

Parents are their only weakness!  To all else Demons have adapted
If your parents don’t let you sleep in their bed, you’re prolly adopted.
In fact, your parents have likely taken an insurance claim on your life
The lure of big money when you die will kill ya faster than a knife.
Perhaps your parents just want a new kid, so naturally you’ll have to go
Helping a demon eat you is the perfect crime… who would even know?

Everyone you trust will betray you!  But your fate is in your own hands
Those who benefit from your death is endless; the conspiracy expands.
Just don’t give them the opportunity, never give them the chance
Keep your feet under the covers, and on your enemy’s graves you will dance.

Posted 10/22/2011

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It’s done.

After 37 long years, Gary Burnham had finally found the monster that ruined his mother’s life as a child… tracked it down to one of those corrupt government run monster colonies in New Mexico and lured it out to the middle of nowhere with the promise of paid work.  After an awkward scuffle, Gary finally shot it in the head, like he had planned to do for as long as he can remember.

Now what?

He had dreamed of this moment, rehearsed it countless times in his head, and each time he imagined this moment to feel… victorious.  Instant relief should be washing over him. Closure.

But, everything is the same.  All that this monster had done to be deserved to be killed, still happened.  What did this accomplish?

The dead body twitches slightly as the blood flows out from the single wound in its head… it only took one bullet.  The beast was an elderly monster now; frail and washed up.  Gary always imagined it to be more fearsome, taller.  Not this relatively shriveled up piece of garbage wasting away in an underfunded monster relocation colony.  Killing it should have been an ACCOMPLISHMENT.

Gary sighs, unsure of what he is actually feeling… it isn’t regret, necessarily.  He had a speech planned that he was going to perform right before pulling the trigger, but in the moment he forgot it.  Does the monster even know why he was killed?

He can’t tell his mom what he did— he can’t tell ANYONE.  Since Gary can’t enjoy this revenge, he’d hope his mom could at least relish it vicariously but… he can’t do that to her.  It doesn’t feel right, now.

He drives the 2500 miles back home in complete silence.

Posted 10/11/2011

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